"HE/HIM" PRESENTS:
ASHTON
What does 'being a man' mean to you?
"Personally, I don’t have a strong opinion of what “being a man” is. Ever since I was young, it just felt right and I’ve never been able to explain the reason behind it. It’s always felt strange to be called feminine pronouns and terms--in fact, it just feels wrong, uncomfortable and has made me feel dissociative. Being a man means being me. It was never supposed to mean an obligation to conform to the societal standard of (often toxic) hypermasculinity. It was supposed to mean self-acceptance and love of the self as a male, the recognition of unintentional privilege, and overall satisfaction with identity as a component of lifestyle.
... As a transgender male, the values of my gender identity are significantly more important to me than someone who was born with male anatomy. A common affirmation amongst transgender people, one that I wholeheartedly believe, is that we are self-made humans. I put in the hard work to be the man I am growing up to be; no one else did it for me. My life and identity I share with the world is the most purely authentic version of myself: a proud, accomplished, brave, self-made man."
What is revealed about you through the ways that you express yourself?
“Goths are often looked down upon for being “miserable” or “utterly depressed.” Quite frankly, I don’t think I’ve ever been happier in my life since I began dressing this way. I used to be too scared to, because I feared judgment and being misgendered. I learned not to care though, because I’m not going to censor my true style so that I can blend in with the rest of the crowd… I dress loudly because it is my passion.”
Do you feel gender stereotypes have held you back from expressing your truest self either now and/or in the past? If so, how?
“There’s a common double standard on men when it comes to fashion: they have no fashion sense because they only wear sweats and basketball shorts, but if they do have a fashion sense, they are gay. Self-conscious fourteen year old me chose the former.” For awhile I felt bound to masculinity and was desperate for the approval of cisgender males. The same men who verbally abused me with transphobia and misogyny were the ones I repeatedly tried to receive praise from, but I was always too (fill in the blank). I rapidly changed things about myself in hopes of eventually being accepted, and I don’t think I knew who I was for a while because of that decision.”
How was has your style evolved into what it is today?
“I didn’t know what my style was for a very long time. After I got over myself and the shameful 12-year-old-on-Xbox mentality I attempted to adopt, I wanted to let myself just wear whatever was physically comfortable and what I thought looked good on me. As a freshman, I found myself willing to dress with a little more of a grunge style and a hint of my emo phase from middle school. Now, as a freshman, I bleached my hair blonde and was a little too thin. I binge watched Supernatural and raved about twenty one pilots’ newest album Trench. These, and other pop culture forces were part of my style, partially without me ever realizing.”
What makes you feel empowered?
"Sharing spaces with other people who are like me, whether they’re goth, trans, both, or another identity label we have in common. Sometimes, I feel like I am the only person in the world who is trans and facing the problems I do. I don’t have many trans friends, and my nontrans friends usually don’t understand the weight of it. Feeling alone with one of the rarest list of insecurities and unimaginable distress about my identity is one of the most terrifying things I have ever experienced. Being able to share this with others, even when it is crushing, provides relief for the anxiety. I don’t have to conquer the world on my own, because there are other people guiding me with their prior knowledge and personal stories. And suddenly, I no longer feel so alone."
As an accomplished novelist, how has writing been an outlet for you to express your identity?
“When I’m asked why I enjoy writing so much, my answer is that I hold the power to explore and create whatever I want. This is true for every aspect of my lifestyle as a writer: philosophy, morality, romanticism, vitality, individualism and expression. All of these themes I most frequently work with entail self-discovery, as well as struggles to articulate what I am and who I am.”
... When I began my novel in November 2020, my mental health was at an all-time low and I needed help. I was scared and didn’t know how to ask for help without making myself or my family/friends anxious—so for the most part, I didn’t seek support. I wrote. My therapy for a short while was creating my main character and I gained comfort by projecting so many personal issues onto him and twist it into a thriller story. As much as I hate to admit it, it helped me feel better. The reason I hate admitting this is because it terrified me to see what was wrong with me on paper, literally…
“...My character wasn’t himself; my character was me. And I don’t want to be him, have his problems or his life. Overtime, as I worked with my ideas, I learned how to separate myself from him so that I would be comfortable pursuing my story. And, now, I appreciate the parts of myself in all of my characters, no matter how big or small of an impact they have on me.”
What does society need to be more accepting of?
“It’s appalling that some people do not have enough self-control to not stare at people who physically appear “different” than what they’re adjusted to… they glare at men in skirts, and question the sexuality of male punk musicians with eyeliner. They create humiliation for individuals who are at a tipping point trying their best to conceal panic and distress. For some people, they may have enough prior exposure to “abnormality” to not think twice about some of these things, and for others these are details that jump out at them. But ignorance to differences in living is scary and cruel; I wish standing out wasn’t such a dangerous thing.”
What are your hopes, if any, for the future of gender stereotypes?
“Why must stereotypes exist at all? Everyone ends up disappointed because they set up factless assumptions about other people--and even about themselves--that are usually unfulfilled. They place criticism on anything that doesn’t consist within society’s claustrophobic box. It creates aversion. It creates shame. Yet they wonder why the world is a hateful waste of matter, when human occupation destroys itself and everything in eyesight. Social science declares that it is impossible to not believe at least a few demographic generalizations; which is true, but we have enough self-awareness in our era to reprogram ourselves to eventually abolish internalized criticism. It’s rather haunting to realize effort is required to end alienation and brainwashed conformity.”
What are you most proud of as it relates to the journey you have had with your identity?
“I’m alive.”